Friday, 29 June 2012

On Making Tough Desicions...

This is a personal post, something which I may share from time to time in my blog. If you know me In Real Life, you might not wish to have this much of an insight into my psyche...just sayin'.

I am terrible at making desicions. When it comes to making a hard desicion, my go-to plan is "wait long enough that the desicion makes itself". Possibly, this reluctance to take control of my own destiny lies in a lack of confidence in my ability to make the RIGHT desicion.

I am, therefore, the Queen Of Bad Desicions.

Sometimes, life forces you into a situation where you have to make a difficult desicion, and there isn't ayone or anything that can decide it for you. That is my least favourite feeling. The pressure of having to 'decide' or 'choose' anything puts me in a horrific mood until the process is complete. I consistantly rehash he possibilities and potentials of each option, going over and over all the potential outcomes in my head until I feel sick with worry.

I don't recommend this course of action. Neither am I proud of this ridiculous way of running my life. Over the last few weeks something has been weighing heavily on my mind. Something that I need to make a desicion about, make a choice that will affect the rest of my life.

This has got me thinking about other times in my life that I have tried to made big choices.

There was the time I had to decide whether or not to go back to work after having a baby. Obviously, I choose that having money and being solvent was a nessecity, but it's a desicion that I think about every single day that I leave my sleeping boy and go out of the door, knowing I'll be missing another development he makes, another funny thing he says. Then, there was the desicion to leave my last job, as a customer service advisor for a transport firm. I couldn't sleep that night, because I knew I didn't want to go back, but the fear of letting down the people who had relied on me was weighing heavily on my mind. Perhaps the fear there stemmed from having to TELL someone my desicion, having to let down the company that had invested in me...I think that might be whats bothering me now. In fact, most of my bad desicions have been a result of putting other peoples needs and desires before my own. Often I don't want to deal with emotional fallout from things I have done (I don't like people showing excess emotion anyway, this is something I am working on as I don't want my son to have these issues) and therefore will make the choice that sees the least comeback in terms of guilt, stress, drama or regret.

I just want to do the right thing and have a happy and successful life. I don't want to hurt anyone while doing it, and I need my little boy to be happy.

If it was just me, I guess things would be a lot easier but it's hard to take a small person into consideration too with every desicion you make.

So now I am at a crossroads and an important desicion has to be made. One the one hand, I know with all of my heart what I want to do...but the actual final step is the longest and hardest to make. My desire to avoid potential emotional fallout is causing a severe block in me dealing with the situation. Often, it's easier to just sit back and accept the bad desicions that I have made that have already led me to this point...or I could make a huge change and possiby be happier than I have ever been.

The weekend is here, and that gives a little more time for reflection and contemplation....

How do you make difficult desicions?

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